Not fade away?

What to do with a medium when its germinating purpose has expired?  Put rockets underneath it and light the fuse? Tiptoe away quietly, without saying another word?

I started this blog with an express purpose, or as much of a purpose as one has while depressed.  I wasn’t doing any other kind of writing – well, there were the internet articles I suppose – a grim treadmill of underpay and over exacting ‘copy editors,’ but no novel – nothing which needed a flight of fantasy. I wrote because writing has always helped me process my darkest thoughts – I’m tragically inarticulate when it comes to speaking aloud – and I needed that outlet.  But I’m better now.  I’ve signed off the group and individual therapy sessions too. I eked them out over the past couple of months as a precaution, but I really don’t need therapy any more and this might be foolish to say, but I don’t think I’ll ever need it again.

I’m feeling creative again and this is such a big deal for me.  I’ve written some poems and I’ve got a huge idea for a new novel, but I’m getting to work on the one I’ve finished first. So do I keep writing this blog? There are still things in my head that need working out.  Elodie’s CFS overwhelms me at times, when she’s affected.  She’s just had a four day ill patch, but last night she was singing and dancing again and I can stop worrying for a bit.  I’m in limbo too about the prison job.  I still haven’t heard that I definitely haven’t got this one, and I need to know before I can focus on what to do next.  I feel really drawn to working in prison, and have thought about training as a literacy teacher as one way of being able to do that.  If they don’t want me for this particular library position, I’m going to offer to run a creative writing group there.  Does that sound a bit desperate?  I really want to do it.

Above all, this blog has been about Juliette and me.  For this past year her absence has dominated my thoughts in a way I didn’t fully allow over the previous eight years. I think because I’ve let this happen, her presence has receded.  That isn’t forgetting her; it’s normal and healthy.  I’ve integrated her story into my own in a way that I feel I can live with for the remainder of my life. I want to go forwards, but I’m taking take her with me.

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8 thoughts on “Not fade away?

  1. This is such a positive blog Geves. If you decide to stop I will miss reading your beautiful, often painful, thoughts on a weekly basis as I love the way you write and feel honoured to have been allowed to share your honest insights into you journey. However, that is me being selfish! I will have to wait until I can read your published novel! xx

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  2. Wow Geves. šŸ™‚ I am smiling and want to give you a big hug. How wonderful. I can't wait to read your novels and the poems!! I love your writing and feel honoured to have been able to share your journey so far. Good luck with the prison job – I certainly hope they recognise your worth sooner rather than later. xxx

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  3. Geves, I do think this blog may have run its course, but I don't think you're done as a blogger, and can see you starting a new blog that has a wider brief.It's been an honour to follow Petals and to see you recover. I eagerly await whatever you put your hand to next.

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  4. Thank you for all those really lovely comments. Reading them made me quite tearful thinking about the end of this blog – I'm not very good at letting things go, but I think it's right to start something new now. I really appreciate everyone that has been reading and hope you'll still want to when I'm elsewhere. xxxx

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  5. Dear GevesI am so glad you have found creativity again and inspiration with your writing. I found your last paragraph very moving, Juliette will always be part of your life. I have found comfort and reassurance in your writing for mine and Katie's lives, apart but together.Sending you lots of loveSallyxx

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