Not fade away?

What to do with a medium when its germinating purpose has expired?  Put rockets underneath it and light the fuse? Tiptoe away quietly, without saying another word?

I started this blog with an express purpose, or as much of a purpose as one has while depressed.  I wasn’t doing any other kind of writing – well, there were the internet articles I suppose – a grim treadmill of underpay and over exacting ‘copy editors,’ but no novel – nothing which needed a flight of fantasy. I wrote because writing has always helped me process my darkest thoughts – I’m tragically inarticulate when it comes to speaking aloud – and I needed that outlet.  But I’m better now.  I’ve signed off the group and individual therapy sessions too. I eked them out over the past couple of months as a precaution, but I really don’t need therapy any more and this might be foolish to say, but I don’t think I’ll ever need it again.

I’m feeling creative again and this is such a big deal for me.  I’ve written some poems and I’ve got a huge idea for a new novel, but I’m getting to work on the one I’ve finished first. So do I keep writing this blog? There are still things in my head that need working out.  Elodie’s CFS overwhelms me at times, when she’s affected.  She’s just had a four day ill patch, but last night she was singing and dancing again and I can stop worrying for a bit.  I’m in limbo too about the prison job.  I still haven’t heard that I definitely haven’t got this one, and I need to know before I can focus on what to do next.  I feel really drawn to working in prison, and have thought about training as a literacy teacher as one way of being able to do that.  If they don’t want me for this particular library position, I’m going to offer to run a creative writing group there.  Does that sound a bit desperate?  I really want to do it.

Above all, this blog has been about Juliette and me.  For this past year her absence has dominated my thoughts in a way I didn’t fully allow over the previous eight years. I think because I’ve let this happen, her presence has receded.  That isn’t forgetting her; it’s normal and healthy.  I’ve integrated her story into my own in a way that I feel I can live with for the remainder of my life. I want to go forwards, but I’m taking take her with me.

8 thoughts on “Not fade away?

  1. This is such a positive blog Geves. If you decide to stop I will miss reading your beautiful, often painful, thoughts on a weekly basis as I love the way you write and feel honoured to have been allowed to share your honest insights into you journey. However, that is me being selfish! I will have to wait until I can read your published novel! xx

  2. Wow Geves. šŸ™‚ I am smiling and want to give you a big hug. How wonderful. I can't wait to read your novels and the poems!! I love your writing and feel honoured to have been able to share your journey so far. Good luck with the prison job – I certainly hope they recognise your worth sooner rather than later. xxx

  3. Geves, I do think this blog may have run its course, but I don't think you're done as a blogger, and can see you starting a new blog that has a wider brief.It's been an honour to follow Petals and to see you recover. I eagerly await whatever you put your hand to next.

  4. Thank you for all those really lovely comments. Reading them made me quite tearful thinking about the end of this blog – I'm not very good at letting things go, but I think it's right to start something new now. I really appreciate everyone that has been reading and hope you'll still want to when I'm elsewhere. xxxx

  5. Dear GevesI am so glad you have found creativity again and inspiration with your writing. I found your last paragraph very moving, Juliette will always be part of your life. I have found comfort and reassurance in your writing for mine and Katie's lives, apart but together.Sending you lots of loveSallyxx

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