Dreams

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I dreamed about Juliette last night. When she first died I had, if not countless, at least a dozen of these dreams in the first few months. They were various raw longings to touch her, to smell her, anguished ‘what-ifs.’ Last night’s was not like that.

In the dream I walked into a café, and there was Juliette, queuing at the counter. She looked a little older than five, and her hair had grown to shoulder-length. She turned with the most beautiful smile, and I just ran to take her in my arms. Unanguished, just full of the familiar pleasure I have in hugging any of my children. Of course I’m crying at the thought now, but at the time it felt so ‘normal’ and just the loveliest thing.

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12 thoughts on “Dreams

  1. 23 years after losing my 5-year-old son, I still have occasional dreams about him. It is like an angel has visited me. He is my comfort and like a shining star in my life. She was such a beautiful child and her eyes remind me of my son’s. There is wisdom, far beyond her years in her gaze.

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  2. Thank you Geves, I’m grateful to see your post, your blog is one of my favorites. I dream in technicolor, every night, so much that my dreams are tiring, and I’ll wake up and feel as if I never went to bed. I have night terrors where I thrash, call out and keep my poor husband on the edge of the bed in case I hit, slap, bite or kick him. Awful eh? The dreams I’ve had of my son have been amazing experiences as in a James Cameron movie (Titanic) or Steven Spielberg (ET). I don’t believe in the “meaning of dreams” because if I did the dreams I have on a regular basis would have me questioning my sanity. Still, I gladly lay down my head and welcome what comes because I have been allowed the sensation of actually seeing my boy and holding his warm body in my arms, and been overcome by his apparent joy from whence he visits me. This only nourishes the belief that there is a heaven and we again will be with our children, one day.

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    • I really appreciate you reading my posts, Susan. I love reading your blog too. Despite your dreams being exhausting, I think you’re really ‘lucky’ to feel your son beside you so often. From what I’ve learned from other bereaved parents, I think it’s quite rare to have these dreams – which aren’t really like dreams at all, are they? Before I lost Juliette I was ambivalent about a heaven, but anywhere I could be with Juliette, in any form, would be mine.

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  3. What a moving post Geves. So beautiful to experience when asleep and so sad when awake. Apart from two horrible dreams in the early days, I’ve never dreamed about Katie, I wish I did.
    X

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  4. Dreams of my daughter haunted me for the first few months after she passed away. I found it hard to sleep. They happen less frequently now, but they certainly still occur. Sometimes I relive her traumatic birth, other times I dream about what she would look like today.

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  5. Oh, her face; her sweet and lovely face. I look at her and weep…yet I can see what a joy she is. You couldn’t have chosen a better name for her, Geves. It’s as beautiful as she is.

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  6. we lost our beautiful Isobel 7 months ago,i feel a deep deep longing to see her again,i burried myself in loving and caring for our other two little girls and becoming pregnant again. Because Isobels death was sudden, acute viral Myocarditus it makes it hard in one sense to believe she has passed away,on the other hand the pain of her not being here anymore and watching her twin lily suffer her loss and begin life as lily without Isobel makes her loss devastatingly real. I get through by imagining Isobel by my side and how i want her to know how much i love her,how much i miss her,and i want her to see that because of that love and how huge it is for her a beautiful funny and kind little 6 year old daughter we will live love and laugh one day at a time, and carry her with us for all eternity. There is nothing to make losing a child ok, you just have to live and feel the pain until it comes part of you,gradually you can grow space again for a new kind of life that can still be wonderful. I cant imagine how life is going to be without Isobel,i only know how important it is to live the life we wanted for our children still, i refuse to let Isobels death destroy us,she didnt mean to die and she would have hated to see her family fall appart. we keep Isobels garden how she would have liked it,take little gifts there and speak about her all the time.

    Reply
    • Kerry, I’m sorry, I’ve only just seen your message. I’m so sorry that you lost Isobel. She sounds incredibly special, and it seems you’re an amazing mum to her and to your others. It is very hard at first to keep sight of why we go forward, but you’re doing what I did, I think…just putting one foot in front of the other every day, hanging onto hope, and onto love for all of your other children. We find our own paths on this road, but your words remind me how I felt, and I wish you a lot of courage on the road. If you want to speak away from public just send me an email. Sorry again that I missed your message. My blog has been playing up.

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